Honest Boarding

Some of you think you’re special, so here we go.

We know you have a choice in your travel plans, even though we’re pretty much all the same.

Ladies and gentlemen…

In five minutes we’ll begin pre-boarding Aerial Airlines Flight Whatever. Pre-boarding is not a word or even possible, but it makes some of you think you’re special, so here we go.

I’m Very Hungover, and this is Gay and Desperately Single, and we’ll be doing our damndest to get you all out of here as quickly as possible. It might not look like it, but trust us, we want you gone.

Please note: Federal law requires that you be on the plane 30 minutes before departure time, or we reserve the right to cancel your registration, which we might very well do anyway, due to our stubborn incompetence, luck of the draw, or because it’s the only thing that brings joy to our insignificant lives.

Those of you who will not be boarding early should use this time to move closer to the gate and get in the way of the people, you know, actually getting on the plane.

As a reminder, we’re still looking for a couple of passengers to take a later flight. In the even that you take this offer, you are under no obligation to tell your family or employer that you are still in town and are encouraged to spend the time at the closest terminal bar drinking weak and overpriced Bloody Marys.

You’d like to think that with online booking and sophisticated algorithms, we’d getter better at knowing how to do reservations. But, then, we’d like to think that you all could go 65 minutes without needing us to serve you drinks and snacks.

We now welcome, but not in a staring way, passengers with documented disabilities, including hypochondriacs and obvious fakers; the elderly or just world weary, whom we hope will not die on the plane; and parents who had kids to stave off divorce, but instead spawned the terrible, terrible mounters who will no doubt sit in the row behind you, screaming and whining and kicking your seat.

For some inexplicable jingoistic reason, members of the military on their way to a new and senseless war or back to an endless war or traveling to take part in a ceremony at a sports stadium can now board. Of course, we have to thank them for their service, but we freely admit that they do look really hot in that uniform.

Now boarding: our capitalist class. Those passengers on their way to or from their second home; attractive and self-important YouTube “influencers”; and second-rate media personalities, who will be more than happy to take that selfie with you mid-flight.

“Those of you who will not be boarding early should use this time to move closer to the gate and get in the way of the people actually getting on the plane.”

For our general boarding, Group One: Those of you who always overpack but refuse to check a bag.

General boarding, Group Two: Those of you who have evidently not had time to eat all day and have stopped at Subway on the way through the terminal to purchase a tuna sub. Now boarding Group Two.

Group Three. Arm rest hogs, seat recliners, and arm-rest hog seat recliners. Group Three, now boarding.

Group Four. Solo travelers who didn’t bring anything to watch or read and will just sit there staring straight ahead for the duration of the flight. What is wrong with Group Four?
Attention passengers, please note that this is a full flight, and due to our earlier permissiveness toward Group One, your medium-sized bag will now have to be checked at no cost and should be available to you when we land.

Group Five: The sleepers. It’s 11 o’clock in the morning, but you fall asleep immediately and would miss your connecting flight if we didn’t wake you up. Group Five, wake up and board….

This is the final boarding call for Flight Whatever, including the lonely and sad, who will want to chit-chat with their neighbors, even when they have books or headphones or books and headphones and flying masks. Maybe your family doesn’t ever call you for a reason, people.

Before we close the cabin doors, we’d like to acknowledge that we should have boarded the plane from the back to the front and from the outside in. We’re so bad at this, it kind of makes you wonder if we can actually fly this thing! But efficiency is not as important as stroking your fragile egos — am I right?

We know you have a choice in your travel plans, even though we’re pretty much all the same. Have an uneventful flight, and thank you for flying Aerial Airlines.

This was first published on How Pants Work.